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Assertiveness
for life for living
“Analysing others is knowledge, knowing yourself is wisdom, managing others requires skills, mastering yourself takes inner strength.” Tao Te Ching
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Assertiveness
Assertiveness is often viewed in the middle of the spectrum of behaviours with Passiveness at one end and Aggressiveness at the other. Being assertive is as a result of the balanced combination from our thoughts (and thinking); from our feelings (and emotions) leading to our behaviours (and actions).
When we want to be more assertive what is it that we really want?
- To be less passive
- To stand up for yourself
- To put a stop to the bullying
Perhaps you have noticed that your behaviours are aggressive and you want to find other ways of getting what you want.
- To be less aggressive
- To listen to other people, building empathy for them
- To put a stop to the bullying
Please recognise that whichever one describes your situation best has in the past served you well. When you first decided to use this strategy as a means of achieving your outcome it worked for you. Now, perhaps you're beginning to realise that this is a habitual response or that you would like another approach.
Well done.
Virginia Satir identified four different modes, stances or categories;
- Blamer - "it's your fault" (please see me as strong and in control, inside I'm lonely)
- Placater - "whatever you say" (please don't get mad, inside I feel worthless)
- Computer - "it's easy to hypothosise the sequence of event that resulted in this circumstance" (please notice that I use long words and appear cool, calm and aloof; inside I'm vulnerable)
- Distracter - "oh did you see that, outside..." (the words make no sense, or are unrelated; inside I feel that I don't belong)
Her brilliant approach wasn't to take anything away but a dramatic turn around...to add to. Each stance has its own benefits, by using these and building upon what you do well you can have more choice and congruence.
To learn more
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